Today I went on ahead to an event while Sam finished up some work. Then he took the kids to get a treat and come meet up with me. Afterward, we both did some work on our computers and I ran to Staples to get some copies made. In the car, I found a receipt for the treat. We'd had free coupons, but Sam didn't know where they were so he just paid the $3.
I was SO MAD. The coupons expire Feb 1 and I didn't want to go back. He could have called. He could have asked Anna where they were. How could he be so thoughtless? I mentally went on and on as I fumed over dinner. I was tired and worn out and losing my patience with the kids and they're going to remember me as such a grouch. Why am I even bringing another life into this world when I'm just going to be a terrible mother?
At some point in my fuming I glanced outside and saw Levi very carefully poking the ground with a stick. Anna was dancing barefoot to her own singing. I got out the camera and filmed almost 2 minutes of them just being kids in the backyard. Then Sam got home and went outside and played with them for an hour.
I went back to my thoughts, a little calmer now. I thought longingly about how good I felt before I got pregnant. Which was just what I wanted. I wanted to be physically and emotionally healthy before embarking on this again. A new bed and a new chair and lots of walks have fixed the physical health issues, and going off hormonal birth control fixed the emotional ones. I had ups and downs, but they didn't drag me into despair like they used to. I felt alive again. Like a world of possibilities were open to me. I was so excited to be getting pregnant again.
And that's when it hit me. It was my hormones doing the talking. Honestly, Heather. You're mad about $3? You're mad that your husband took your kids to get ice cream so you could go volunteer? Look at them out there! They're silly and funny and creative and happy and Levi's starting to read and Anna's starting to understand other people and your husband loves them and plays with them and provides for all of you. In a few months you'll have a sweet little thing to hold and rock and you won't feel guilty for just sitting and holding and rocking and singing because you know how fast it goes.That's what I told myself and dinner went better and I could smile at everyone in my family.
I'm not looking forward to more of these days. I know they'll happen and as much as I'll try to remember this revelation, it will always take some time and will have already taken a toll. But at least knowing it's the hormones' fault will let me forgive myself and others a little quicker and maybe will help my family be more forgiving to me.